Movie Review: Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)

Cockneys vs Zombies (2012) written and directed by Matthias Hoene

MPAA rating

None (presumably because it wasn't released in the States), though the UK's rating board rated it 15

ZPAA rating

Late teens and up

Gore level

9 out of 10--Lots of bloody and gory zombies, along with zombie kills and being killed a la Romero's films. Some organs hang out and blood spurts all over. Some of this is played for comic effect, but not always.

Other offensive content

Lots of bad language; a bank robbery; one zombie infant is punted like a football (not cool or funny to me); one shirtless woman; blaming the zombie plague on the medieval world.

How much zombie mythology/content

These are standard zombies--they die, they come back as slow, awkward walkers trying to eat the living. The outbreak moves remarkably fast through London but that is more for plot convenience than logic.

How much fun

While this is a comedy, I'm not sure I hit the Mark Kermode six laugh quota. Some of the bits were pretty funny (like the guy and his walker in a low-speed chase with zombies), some fell a little flat, some went over my head.

Synopsis & Review

Cockneys vs. Zombies is a great title, right? It evokes this vague image of funny-accented (at least to American ears) salt-of-the-earth tough guys taking on unspeaking and unspeakable horrors fresh out of the earth. This movie delivers, but not a whole truckload of fun like you'd imagine.

The story follows two brothers, Terry and Andy, as they get ready to rob a bank. Money isn't their motivation. No, they want to save their granddad's old age home from evil developers who want to put up condos. They put together a band of misfits to do the job but things get cocked up when the zombie apocalypse starts in the middle of their standoff with the police outside the bank.

Meanwhile, we follow the story of the granddad, who is a war vet. He lives in an old-age home with a few (surprisingly few, actually) characters who could have been more colorful. They become his band of brothers when the zombies show up. The humor on this side of the story is better. One guy is sleeping in the back garden when the zombies come. They ignore him. The people inside realize he's still out there. They wake him by shouting which also draws the zombies' attention. He grabs his walker and has the slowest chase scene as the zombies stagger after him, almost within reach.

 The set up is interesting but the rest of the movie doesn't pay off in a satisfying way, as either a horror film or a comedy. Everyone seems to be casually skillful at killing zombies, regardless of whether they've held a gun before or not. None of the surprises or twists are unpredictable, which could be okay if they were more enjoyable (the walker/zombie chase being an exception). I found the film dragging at the end, which is surprising when the movie is only 87 minutes long.

Movie Trailer

Warning--this is the "red band" trailer which means basically the trailer itself is rated R for language and violence.



Warning: This Blu-ray is region 2, which means it won't play on typical Blu-ray players sold in the USA and Canada.

Gortyna, Crete

The ancient city of Gortyna is located on the plain of Messara, which has been inhabited since the Neolithic period. By the classical era (5th to 4th century B.C.), the city was quite large and powerful, even minting the first Cretan silver coins in 470. In the Roman period, substantial improvements were made including a large water supply and drainage system. Gortyna was the Roman capital of Crete. St. Titus, a disciple of the apostle Paul, founded the first Christian Cretan church and was martyred here. The city continued to flourish under the Romans and the Byzantines, eventually being destroyed by the Saracens in the 9th century A.D. The site has been uninhabited ever since.

Gortyna ruins

We drove into the town of Agii Deka and walked through some of the ruins to the main archeological site. My wife had the brilliant idea of calling it a "ghost town," having the children on their guard and ready to protect us from any danger.

Idyllic or ominous red flowers?

Old walls

The first site we came upon was the old Roman Praetorium, the governor's palace. Nearby were clear signs of preservation work.

Praetorium at a distance

View from the other side

Columns protected from the rain

Also nearby was a small flock of sheep wandering through the area. We were able to get close but not too close to the action. The shepherd eventually showed up following along behind the sheep.

Lucy, Daddy, sheep

Jacob was busy thinking about other things than sheep

Nearby are two temples. One is to Pythian Apollo (a native Greek god) dating from the 7th century B.C., the other to Egyptian deities dating from the 4th to the 1st century B.C.

Temple to Apollo, dates from Roman period

Temple to Egyptian gods

More of the Egyptian temple ruins

After crossing a road, we came to the main archeological area, i.e. we had to pay to get inside. The best preserved buildings are in this area. The church of St. Titus was described in yesterday's post. In addition, there is the Odeon from the first century A.D. The Odeon was a roofed theater that would have musical concerts and plays.

Theater in the round!

View from backstage

Behind the Odeon is a building with the Great Inscription. Dating from the 5th century B.C., the blocks contain amendments to Dorian law of that period, including topics like divorce, adultery, inheritance, and property rights. There are no references to criminal or commercial laws. The text reads from left to right with the subsequent line reading right to left, presumably to make faster reading.

The Great Inscription wall

Wall detail

Laws that didn't make it in

Lucy wants to amend the laws

Other areas include the Agora or marketplace for the town.

Agora

Base of a column, good for an action shot

This would be a grate place for a shop!

Ruins being restored

On the hill above is the Acropolis and a temple to Athena. We didn't make it quite that far.

Too far for children to walk

The area also has an extensive collection of statues from the Roman period, the most unique being this fellow whose either broken his arm or gotten entangled putting his toga on.

The folds by his legs are pretty amazing!

Three women

Two headless women

Two more headless women

We stopped for a snack in the open air gift shop. The tables had a sign nearby that we think is unique in all our travels.

Smoking...okay?

Agios Titos, Gortyna

One of the best preserved parts of the ancient town of Gortyna on Crete is the Basilica of Agios Titos. It's dedicated to St. Titus, who came to Crete at the apostle Paul's request. Titus set up his bishopric in this city and built the first Christian church here. The basilica was built in the 6th century over the tomb of St. Titus.

Agios Titos, Gortyna

The back of the basilica

The center of the apse where the main altar was located is now empty, but we discovered an icon with candles and a censer in the left side room. There was even a spot for a donation, so we lit a candle.

Where the main altar would have been

A small area for prayer

Jacob gets some help lighting a candle

Sorry for the reflection on the glass! Titus on left, Paul on right.

The nave of the church is gone (probably the stonework was taken for use elsewhere). Some part of the columns still remain scattered around.

The nave

After 1500 years, still in amazing shape

One spot was either the tomb or the spot where Titus was executed. We couldn't read the sign!

A holy spot either way

The rest of the Gortyna site is quite amazing and will be tomorrow's post!

Book Review: Theseus and the Minotaur by Nel Yomtov and Tod Smith

Theseus and the Minotaur written by Nel Yomtov and illustrated by Tod Smith

This graphic novel is part of a series on Greek mythology for younger readers, so it simplifies the story of Theseus in certain areas, though it covers all of the bases fairly well. The story begins with Aegeus, King of Athens, who goes to the Oracle of Delphi to find out when and if he will have a son. Naturally he's concerned about the next king. The Oracle is Medea, who tells him the next woman in his arms will bring forth his son. Before giving this good news, she extracts a promise that he will protect her if ever she needs shelter. While in Troezen, the local king's daughter falls into Aegeus's arms. The reader doesn't see anything untoward happen, but she does have a son, Theseus, long after Aegeus is gone. Aegeus left some tokens (sandals and a sword) under a huge rock so that any potential son could retrieve them and come claim the throne of Athens.

Fast forward eighteen years. Medea has fled to Athens, married Aegeus, and they have a young son called Medus. Theseus has grown to manhood in Troezen. Local giant Periphetes comes to terrorize the town. Theseus fights and kills him. His mom decides it's time for him to find out his true identity, lift the rock, and go meet his father. He does. On the journey, he fights many mythical creatures. In Athens, Medea tries to poison Theseus before he can reveal his identity. The king sees Theseus carrying his sword and stops the plot. Pretty soon, Theseus volunteers to go with the fourteen young Athenians to be sacrificed to the Minotaur on Crete. Theseus's plan is to kill the Minotaur and free Athens from this annual horror. The king asks Theseus to fly a white sail on his return to signal his success.

On Crete, Theseus catches the eye of the king's daughter, Ariadne. She helps him by giving him a ball of string so he can find his way back out of the labyrinth. He has a great big fight and slays the Minotaur. He promised to bring Ariadne with him back to Athens, which he realizes in hindsight is a mistake because he doesn't love her. So he leaves her at one of the stops along the way. She'd taken the white sail with her to clean it, so Theseus returns to Athens under the black sail. King Aegeus sees the black sail, despairs because he thinks his son is dead, and throws himself from the cliff. Theseus blames himself (as do the citizens) for his father's death. He rules as best he can to win back their hearts.

The book is a quick read and is very enjoyable. A lot of the more adult details of the story are left out (like why the Cretan queen gives birth to a half-man, half-bull), which is proper for a kid's book. The book also has some discussion questions and writing prompts at the end, along with a glossary and pronunciation guide. It's a good introduction to the story for younger readers. The art is fine, doing a good job conveying the emotions and the actions in the story.

Knossos, Crete

Sir Arthur Evans was an archeologist at the turn of the 20th century. He went to Crete to find ancient Grecian ruins. He found a veritable gold-mine in the site of Knossos, an ancient town with a Minoan-era palace. He bought the land and began to excavate. He did his best to preserve what he found, including reconstructing the site with concrete and a bit of imagination. Some of the authenticity has been lost, but surely many other things would also have been lost if not for his work. His contribution is a mixed bag but the site is quite amazing.

Bust of Sir Arthur Evans

The palace was built around 1700 B.C., replacing the old palace that had been destroyed in an earthquake. Knossos was the capital of Crete at the time. The palace grew and grew with many additions, perhaps inspiring the legend of the labyrinth with its own twisty corridors and complicated sets of rooms, passages, and courtyards.

Approaching the palace

Lots of rooms and staircase, lending a labyrinthian look

Jacob is too cool for the staircase

More labyrinthy bits

It was the palace of King Minos (for whom the Minoan age was named) and it does feature several bull-centric art works, perhaps inspiring the Minotaur (Minos+taurus?) myth.

Bull relief fresco on the North Bastion

The Bull Jumping Mosaic in its natural spot

The first thing visitors see is the "kouloures" or pits just outside the palace area. The pits date back to the pre-palatial period (1900-1700) and were probably used first as granaries and later to dump trash. They were covered over in the palatial period.

"Kouloures"

Inside the pit

Off to the left is an area Evans called the "theater" because of the raised platform at the top of the stairs. Also, a road leads off to Irakleon from this side of the palace. Evans called it the "royal road."

Theater

The North Lustral Basin is one of the many such basins found in the palace. Their use seems to have been religious. Many vases or pitchers were found in the basins, presumably for a washing or purifying ceremony.

North Lustral Basin

Drainage for the palace

The Shrine of the Double Axes was used in the post-palatial period (1375-1200). The back of the room had a bench with a stone double-headed axe and some votive idols on a bench. All were used in religious ceremonies.

Shrine of the Double Axes

Restored Hall of the Double Axes

The Queen's hall or megaron nearby

Storage also nearby

The Throne Room had a stone seat and benches along the side walls. The seat has been replaced with a wooden replica. The room probably didn't have the function we associate with a modern throne room. Several oil jars were found that suggests a religious use to the room, with the king acting in his role as high priest of the community. The frescoes include griffons, a combination of lion's body and an eagle's head, symbolic of the power and magical abilities of the king.

Entrance to the Throne Room

Inside the Throne Room

View of throne and frescoes

The West Wing also did not function as fans of the White House might imagine. The rooms had several statuettes (including that crazy snake/fertility goddess) used in religious ceremonies. This area also has some storage rooms and other halls.

West wing, no oval office!

A large courtyard is found in the middle of the complex. The great hall of the palace was here, along with another shrine.

Great Hall

View down into lower levels

Also just off the main hall is the Room with the Copies, where copies of frescoes are on the walls. The originals have gone to museums like the Irakleon Archeology Museum.

Restored entrance to the Room with the Copies

Waves?

Ladies in Blue

Fresco from Tripartite Shrine

Visitors can still see bits of the original language called Linear A, which has not been deciphered (Linear B, a later language, has been decoded). Cretan hieroglyphics were also in use during the palatial period.

Hieroglyphics?

On the outskirts of the palace are some buildings that were part of the larger city of Knossos, as well as many precious beauties.

South House

Unidentified building

Precious beauties

The site is an amazing bit of history. The Minoan civilization was clearly very advanced and perhaps the first great civilization in European history. It lasted over a thousand years and left an enduring mark on Western civilization through famous legends like the Minotaur and Daedalus and Icarus.